Reason Number One: No more brain-freezing conclusions. So, you're reading a news article. You know you're smart enough to understand it. The article is written clearly enough to understand it. But something about the conclusions drawn causes neurons to disconnect in wild, wacky ways and you just can't understand it. Let's look back at some of those madcap moments.
Here are some of the things blamed on global warming: the decline of circumcisions in Africa; the collapse of gingerbread houses in Sweden; staff shortages in brothels in Bulgaria; the melting of the Hollywood sign in California; people being eaten by tigers in Sunderbans forest; and the collapse of a bridge in Minneapolis. Not to be out done, here are some of the predictions: the Green Bay Packers will lose their edge over warm weather teams; alligators will sun on the English coast; the Olympic Games will be ending in 2016; beer will get better; beer will get worse; giant pythons will colonize 1/3 of the United States; mass cannibalism; and our brains will get smaller. If you have the time check out a longer list at warmlist.
Now, the research results that really whipped your brain around called for multiple changes in directions. Late 70s: we have to get CFCs out of aerosols because of the damage they do to the ozone layer. Flip forward to the bad news of 2000: global warming is slowing down ozone layer repair. But wait, in 2006 we learn that pollutant aerosols can cool the atmosphere and slow global warming. But what about that pesky ozone layer? Fabulous news in 2010, the ozone hole above the Antarctic is actually protecting the Antarctic from the effects of global warming! Kind of like playing crack the whip, isn't it?
Reason Number Two: We should see less cases of depression caused by global warming. In 2008, a 17-year-old boy was admitted to an Australian hospital because he hadn't been drinking water. Apparently, he was upset that global warming would cause drought and thought if he drank water, millions would die. The doctors involved diagnosed the trouble as "climate change delusion." (I'm not making this up, click on the link.) There have been so many cases of global warming depression that it has spawned a new field of therapy: eco-therapy or ecopsychology. According to the International Community of Ecopsychology's website:
At its core, ecopsychology suggests that there is a synergistic relation between planetary and personal well being; that the needs of the one are relevant to the other.So, if the planet isn't well, the people inhabiting it aren't well. Before you jump to the conclusion that Ecopsychologists only care about those people who believe in global warming let me assure you, that is not the case. At a conference of ecopsychologists at the University of the West of England in March of 2009, there was serious discussion that climate change denial should be classified as a mental disorder.
Now, I'm not making fun of depression. I understand that depression, especially chronic depression, can be horrifying. Neither am I making fun of people who care about their planet. My father was a farmer; I was raised to respect the earth. What I am saying is that as the research surrounding global warming continues to crumble, there should be less need for people to be depressed. That's a good thing. But don't worry about those ecopsychologists losing their $100 an hour fee. They're sure to pick up some clients that are angry or embarrassed about being duped. The good news for ecopsychologists in picking up these new clients is that if they already have "climate change delusion" printed on their business cards as an area of expertise, they won't need new cards.
Reason Number Three: We don't have to worry about losing our California wines. In July, 2006 the San Francisco Gates issued the warning: Now's the time to cellar wine! A study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences predicted that by the end of the century California's premier wine regions would all but cease to be, namely: Sonoma, Napa, and Santa Barbara. Dr. Noah Diffenbaugh, one of the authors of the study, was interviewed on NPR and predicted an 81% decline in the California wine industry. In fact, in March 2008 the food editor for NBC's Today show, Phil Lempert, declared Napa Valley wines already passe because of global warming and suggested looking to North Carolina for fine wines. But the study at the center of this hullabaloo was a computer generated prediction based on data that assumed an increase in global warming. Since Phil Jones has now admitted that there has been no global warming since 1995 that shoots a pretty big hole in the study. So, sorry, North Carolina. We, here in California, can relax. Those of you in Austrailia, you can relax, too. All you French chefs, sommeliers and chateaux running around in a dither because you think you're going to have to switch to wines from Scotland. Keep dithering. I get a kick out of the mental picture.
Reason Number Four: We will see a return to responsible journalism. In 2006, the Huffington Post reported that a decrease in maple syrup production in Ohio was the result of global warming. A field office of the National Agricultural Statistics Service, United States Department of Agriculture, reported in New England Agricultural Statistics that US maple syrup production in 2009 was the highest it had been since 1944. If you look at the chart for Ohio they have shown an increase as well, with their best year in 2008, but darned good yields in 2009. So whatever caused the decline in 2006, it wasn't global warming. The ever-diligent Huffington Post issued a retraction... Oh, wait a minute, my mistake. No retraction, no correction.
Let's give them another chance. In 2009 The Huffington Post featured the too cute headline: Baaad News: Global Warming Shrinks Sheep. Apparently, sheep on Scotland's Island of Hirta are 5% smaller than they were in 1985. Less than a week later Science News issued a critique of the study that provided the baaad news. The researchers forgot to include an important factor in their study: insular dwarfism, which primarily affects mammals and causes a reduction in size when they are confined to a small area, particularly islands. The reduction in size was not caused by global warming. So, this time... Oh, wait, my mistake again. No retraction, no correction.
Ok, I'm not kidding anyone here. I don't expect anything to change at the Huffington Post. I expect it will continue to provide a soapbox for Al Gore, Barbara Boxer, John Kerry, etc., etc., etc. Just so we're clear: I was not making fun of people who suffer from depression. I am making fun of the Huffington Post.
Reason Number Five: Aliens won't be mad at us anymore. Luchezar Filipov of the Bulgarian National Space Research Institute claims that based on his study of crop circles, aliens are sending us messages that they disapprove of man-made global warming. (Ladies, take note, Filipov says the aliens also disapprove of the use of cosmetics, so when they're around I suggest a subtle application so as not to offend.) In 2008, in the United Kingdom there were increased sightings of UFOs. Malcolm Robinson, founder of Strange Phenomena Investigations states, "some experts believe it could be linked to global warming and craft from outer space are appearing because they are concerned about what man is doing to this planet." A down note to this: we won't see the results of the efforts of the Honorable Paul Hellyer, former Canadian Minister for National Defense, who wanted all nations to release all collected information on extraterrestrials because alien technology might provide the answer to combating global warming. That might have been interesting.
Seriously, global warming proponents have taken some hard knocks recently. But there is too much time, effort, money, and ego invested for them to bow out graciously. The debate isn't over, the battle isn't done. My recommendation: pour yourself a glass of California wine and toast those aliens. When it's all said and done, it's really rather sweet that they're concerned about us.
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